Sunday, July 31, 2011


New post... April 18, 2011. What is wrong with me?! I haven't updated this blog since April!!?? I will tell you what is wrong with me... I have twins.

Yep, that's right. I have two toddlers. Two two-years olds. The terrible twos times two. I have this dilemma. It mostly has to do with my job as a nurse. I take care of very sick babies. I have watched beautiful babies pass away way before their second birthday. I have followed the stories of baby, after baby, dying in their mommy and daddy's arms. How can I ever even begin to complain about my life?! I have twins. Two healthy, boisterous little boys. Two little boys that we had trouble conceiving. Two. I feel horrid even whining about my situation for a second, but I do anyway.

It is difficult seperating home life from work life. I have a hard time sometimes shaking off the sadness that comes from work to come home and enjoy the life my little boys have. The biggest feeling that I struggle with is guilt. I feel so guilty that I have been so abundantly blessed. I feel guilty that I carried the boys to 35 weeks, that we were home in 4 days, that we didn't have months and months in the NICU.

But, right now, the NICU is behind us. My uterus is closed. We are blessed, we know it and APPRECIATE it. But, at the same time, we have two toddlers. Two. And sometimes, I just need to whine about it.

The boys turned two on May 6th. I had to request the same presents for both children. If you were to buy one a truck, buy the other one the EXACT same truck. Don't try to get all cutesty-twin-like and buy one a red truck and one a green truck. This will lead to a fight. One that I don't really want to do deal with. See, as the boys are getting older, they are noticing things. That not EVERYTHING they have is the same. Mainly, this unfolds during playtime. Our fights used to consist of Zachary taking whatever Max had, Max crying or getting sad, but quietly going to another toy/activity. Not anymore. Now, if Max gets upset. He bites. Oh yeah... we had this problem before with Zachary. Biting. But, he wasn't nearly as strong, nor had nearly as many teeth as Max does. Holy shit. That kid bites and it hurts. He will send Zachary running to tears. When Max gets mad, he bites whomever is close... not always Zach. And it hurts so bad that you can't even properly discipline because you are in tears. Keeping things the same helps this and keeps me less bruised.

One of Max's issues stem from a language delay. He couldn't hear, followed by ear tubes on May 10th. He can hear now, he is catching up amazingly well. But, he still hasn't quite grasped the "use your words" concept.

Two toddlers. This means two tantrums, usually simutaneously. Two little hands reaching into the fridge. Two kids pouring all of the salt on the floor. Two kids pulling the clean laundry out of the basket. Two kids washing their hands in the bathroom, while one is overflowing the sink, the other is putting the entire roll of toilet paper into the toilet, causing overflow from the toilet and the sink. Two kids running in opposite directions outside. Two kids arguing over what to watch on TV. ("Arney...No Elmo, ARNEY, ELMO!!!") And one mama trying to be fair and stay sane.

I am blessed. I don't take a second for granted. I know how lucky I am. I see it every second of every day. But, I am tired. I let things slide... possibly too many things. (Yeah, I let them wash their hands in the bathroom while I sat outside the door reading through the mail...) I don't want to raise horrible, out of control children. But, hey, they're two, right?

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