I feel like lately I have overwhelming emotions. Sadness, happiness, fear, joy, love, hate. And they all come several times a day, sometimes, many emotions at once.
My boys are my life. I can not believe how big the twins are getting. How much they are learning, how much THEY are taking on the world and how much less they need me. They can feed themselves now, dress themselves, walk, talk, etc. I know they still NEED me, but their needs are different. My role is starting to change and I am not sure how I am dealing with it. Or if I am dealing with this role change at all, maybe that is why my emotions seem so out of check.
The 1st 8 months of the boys' life, my main priority was to keep them alive. To carry them to term. To do everything in my power to deliver healthy, full-term twins. My biggest fear was losing one twin. I think I could have dealt with losing them both more than just losing one. We lost a baby before the twins, and know that heartache. I never, ever wanted to imagine the heartache of the parents who say to us, "he/she should have been a twin." Thankfully, by the Grace of God, I did it. I kept the twins alive. I delivered them 3 days shy of term. I sacrificed my job, my body, my sanity, but, I did it.
The next weeks/months my priority was feeding/changing/sleeping. To keep my babies healthy, they needed to be fed, changed and sleep. Repeat. Feed, change, sleep. Repeat. They quickly climbed to the top of the growth chart. They were alive, healthy, and had their needs met. We sacrificed our jobs, bodies, sanity and sleep, but we did it.
The 1st year was about learning. Teaching them how to walk, talk, eat, etc. All while incorporating feeding, diaper changes, sleep, etc.
You get the picture. We've gone through each stage in survival mode. We have been in survival mode. Ignoring and neglecting our own needs, our own wants, our own bodies and health to maintain the survival and health of our children.
In 2 months, the twins will be 3. They are into choochoo trains, Cars, Matchbox cars, Calliou, Curious George, bikes, trikes, four-wheelers, cupcakes, corndogs, reading, playing in their tent, jeans, car and choochoo jammies. They love to "Skype Owen" and talk to their cousins, E, O and Baby W. They love their cousins/friends, aunties, uncles, papas, grandmas. They love when Daddy comes home from work. They love their fish tank and baby fishies. They love each other.
They feed themselves, we are working on potty training, after two stories, they go night-night in their big boy beds. They are so independent and happy. They are alive, healthy, smart, vibrant little boys.
Yet, somewhere in survival mode, I lost myself. I lost my emotions for anything that doesn't involve my children. I don't get my hair done anymore. I don't go shopping. I don't spend time with friends. I withdrew from my nursing program. I have gained 20 pounds. I am not complaining, I never would. My point is that now my role needs to change. And it is emotional.
We aren't surviving anymore. The boys are excelling. Now, I need to focus on being the female role model in their life. I need to teach them how to be little gentleman. I need to show them how a lady needs to be treated. I need to show them that it is ok for a girl to take an hour to get ready to go to the zoo. I need to show them how to do laundry, dishes, clean. I need to try to explain to them why woman are the way they are.
But first, I need to find the woman I used to be. The woman I was before "mommy." Truth is, I lost her 12-25-07, when I discovered I was pregnant with our angel, Sammie. I can barely remember who I was. I remember the emotions that followed, and again, all the emotions focus on my children.
It's important to remember though that to be a good mom, I need to be a good woman. I need to love myself before I can love others. I need to put on my own oxygen mask before I can put the mask on my children. My oxygen has been turned low for the last 4 1/2 years. And it's time to readjust my role, rearrange my thoughts, my goals.
It's going to take a bit to find this "new me." To restructure my life. But, I am ready. And the first thing I am going to do is dye my hair.