Saturday, January 17, 2009

Chronicle of our Loss

On Christmas, I said I would chronicle our loss last year of our Sammie baby. We were so excited to be pregnant & I always knew she was a little girl, never had a single doubt in my mind. Also, at that point, I had NO idea what a miscarriage was. I didn't even know how it happened, etc. I was so entirely clueless to the whole thing.

On Wed. Jan. 16th, 2008, I had really bad lower back pain. I thought maybe I had a UTI. We had decided that we were going to doctor in Cambridge from a recommendation from our neighbor, but the OB absolutely WOULD NOT see me until I was 12-13 weeks. I was a new patient, had never gone there before (since we were still pretty new to the area) and I called the OB nurse about once a week with different concerns, BEGGING her to let me be seen, but she would not. So, I decided that night that we would go into Urgent Care. Dustin brought me, we waited in the waiting room for over three hours, (all I really wanted to do was leave a urinalysis but they MADE me wait with an entire room full of nasty sickos). I finally got into see the doctor, my urine was fine, no infection. He felt along my back, couldn't really find a problem. I kept telling him that I was pregnant, about 7 weeks, but he said, "that really doesn't matter."

Although he could find NOTHING wrong with me, he gave me a script for Amoxicillin and sent me home. I told him that I did not want to wait so long to see the OB and he gave me the name of a general practioner to see as my primary doctor. I couldn't make an appointment with her until the following Friday, Jan. 25th.

I went on with my week, I still was very crampy, moody, etc. I still had no idea that there was anything wrong with our baby. The day before my appt., I started spotting, I called the OB nurse again and she said that I was probably having a miscarrige, but there was nothing they could do about it now!! And to wait until the morning for my appointment.

We went over to Cambridge and Dustin came with, Thank God. I told the nurse that I was pregnant and spotting and HER response, "Well, what do you think that means??" My BP was really low, 90/60 and I got a stinking feeling in my heart. The doctor came in, did the examine, hardly said a word to me, and sent us down for an ultrasound.

We went down to radiology, had to wait FOREVER to get in. We started the ultrasound and the tech was all nicey, nicey and then, she just got DEAD quiet. Completely silent and moved the screen away from me right away so I couldn't see a thing. Dustin still could see a little bit, he was able to see our baby, he swears that he could see two little sacs, but I never got to see a thing. When it was over, we went back upstairs, and about 3 1/2 hours had passed. My mom called and asked if we had heard the heartbeat. I didn't even think about that? No, we didn't-- were we supposed to? I had NO idea about what was supposed to happen.

When a different nurse called us back, I could see the doctor crying. The nurse wanted me to sit next to Dustin and I insisted on sitting on the table. I was certain there was nothing wrong. The doctor came in and her first words were, "I'm afraid I don't have good news." I didn't hear a ton after that. She babbled on and on about her own miscarriage. She said that our baby measured at 7w, 4d; which meant that I had lost her on 1/18, TWO days AFTER I went to Urgent Care.

I didn't know what I wanted for treatment. She just gave me a book, "Empty Arms" and said that she was certain I would "pass" it over the weekend. Well, the weekend came and went, nothing. I had actually stopped bleeding. On the following Tues. 1/29, after trying all Monday to get ahold of the doctor to tell her what was going on, I decided to get a second opinion. I called the Fairview clinic in Zimmerman and talked to the Triage nurse there. She immediately said I had to be seen, I had an appt. at 3 p.m.

The doctor wanted to be certain I was miscarrying, so he was going to draw some blood to be sure that my levels were dropping, something that never happened in Cambridge. They did SO, so many things wrong, which made our loss so much worse. I had a repeat blood draw on Thurs. and I woke up Friday, 2/1 with heavy bleeding. I called the doctor in Zimmerman who wanted me to go to the ER right away.

We went into the ER and Dr. Ferry had all ready called, they were waiting for us. The nurses were exceptional. Everyone was so understanding, caring and concerned for my health. It had now been almost two weeks since our baby had died and my body was still holding on. The ER doctor ordered an ultrasound and the tech was amazing. She actually gave us pictures and showed us everything, explained everything to us. I was bawling & hugged her so tight at the end of the exam. She printed out a picture of our Sammie and I just lost it. That was all we were ever really going to have and this lady realized that and gave us the most amazing gift.

They called OB for a consult around 11:30 a.m., about 1 1/2 hours after we had got to the ER. The doctor that came in was Dr. Roberts, my OB now. I had no dilated at all and my contractions had stopped. They decided I needed an emergency D & C and I would go into surgery as soon as a room opened up. I was back to surgery in 10 minutes or so. Super fast.

I was given Versed to help relax, so I wouldn't remember a ton, or not care. I still remember everything. The surgical staff was amazing. When I woke up, I needed my glasses and the anesthologist came over and told the post-op nurse that I needed a ton of Cytotec because they couldn't get me to dilate, so I would need extra morphine.

Dr. Roberts talked to Dustin and I was home by 4 p.m.

I guess I just chronicled that out as a type of rememberance for our baby. I will never, ever forget the hell I went through or how tight my body held on. There was nothing wrong with her, the pathology report came back perfect.

I know that she is in Heaven, smiling down. Like I said before, she will always be an important part in our lives, our first born if you will and our very special angel. She is what allowed us to have her two little brothers.

We feel so blessed, to have earth babies on their way and one sparkling angel baby star.

3 comments:

Nicole said...

Sara:

Your story brought tears to my eyes! Im so sorry that you had to go through that awful medical and emotionally hellish experience when you miscarried. Still, what a beautiful way to memorialize your Sammie, by chronicling everything that happened.

My miscarriages werent any prettier or easier to swallow. I remember being so lost, clueless, and overwhelming confused during my first one. Like you, I had no idea what was happening inside my body, and no one could give me any answers. It is not something I would ever wish on anyone.
What a sad club we are in!

But you hit the nail on the head, when you said that your loss allowed another beautiful miracle to happen: two twin boys, who will be joining your famiy later this year.

My most recent loss happened one year and one week before Aliah was born. Even though it was wrenchingly heartbreaking, I know that because that baby died, I now have a precious beautiful baby girl on my arms. Our miracle child.

A friend (who has also had multiple losses) likes to say that we get the children we were meant to have, even though they might not come when or how we thought they would. Even so, they find us.
Only God can choose the children we are meant to have, and the right time for them to come. And no matter how hard we try, our plans are not His plans. Because His plans are so much better than anything we can dream up on our own.

I hope that the rest of your pregnancy goes smoothly! I love reading your updates. Take care!

Nicole

Alyssa Arlen said...

Sara,

Your post made me cry! It could be the hormones, but I don't think so. I never knew that you went through so much when you lost Sammie. Thank you for sharing with us all!

Alyssa

Kimmygintx said...

{{HUGS}} Sara I am so sorry!
(BTW found your blog in comments to Alisha's)